Asymmetry in personal interactions
Sometimes I want to go to people in very different situations from me and ask “hey, what does the world look like for you? What’s the big unfair thing standing right in front of you that nobody acknowledges?”
It would be healthy for me to do that with my neighbors so I can understand people's experience of the neighborhood, and it'd be good for us to do that with all the USAians so we wouldn't just learn of other viewpoints via the Glowing Rectangle Of Rage, and it might be good for us to do that as an entire species and we'd inch toward world peace. But you can't just go up to random people and ask them that.
Except maybe I'll go ask the Smoking Ladies of The Chairs that question.
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A few years ago I moved to a building with a doorman and large shared indoor and outdoor spaces. There was this feeling like "Wow, if I get groceries delivered, I wouldn't ever need to step outside of this place".
I noticed how different it felt to have an area that I could enter that other people couldn't. Having this safe zone meant there was a radius outside it where I could sally forth with added confidence, since if anything weird started happening I could just return to safety. There was a few-block radius where I started saying hello and talking to anyone because, if the conversation went south, I could just walk back to my building and there was a whole security apparatus with a person and cameras and stuff where I could enter The Secure Zone and the other person couldn't. If we got in an argument or they were mean or something, I wouldn't have to deal with them if I didn't want to.
I suppose this presented an opportunity to be antisocial, like to yell mean things at people and then flee inside the citadel. But I don't really do that (intentionally, at least).
Instead when I go on walks I'm more comfortable talking to absolutely random people. One of my favorite groups is the The Smoking Ladies of The Chairs. An affordable/transitional housing complex opened a few months ago and they don't allow smoking inside (and there isn't really common space anyway), so the people who want to smoke have to go to The Chairs in a small park adjacent to their building. It's cool to stop by and say hello and chat about what's on their mind, like how their call with their sister went, or how our neighborhood's private Not-Police threaten to ticket them for smoking while sitting in The Chairs (which are technically inside a tiny park where smoking isn't allowed) and inform them that they must move five feet away and stand between parked cars in the street to smoke.
I like to think that we're from demographics that would never otherwise talk so our little exchanges of pleasantries are Helping America in a tiny way. Sometimes I am even useful - when their building had just opened nobody had told them how to get parking passes for the neighborhood, so I helped them get registered for that.
But it's not all pleasantries. Sometimes other folks from the building will be out smoking at The Chairs, and they might join the conversation in a negative way. While I can disagree with them or just walk away and head back to my citadel, the Smoking Ladies of The Chairs can't. They're stuck with the person. They don't have an alternative smoking location nearby, or access-controlled spaces except their small apartment. They can't afford to start a beef with someone unpredictable who they'll meet every day in their hallway, while I can.
I think there's something asymmetric about this. I'll walk by The Chairs and - if I'm not interrupting - will stop to chat with whoever's there. I'll hear about their family and sympathize with the absurdity of The Smoking Rules, and if invited I'll share what's new in my life. But I don't really join the conversation on equal stakes - I am not affected by The Smoking Rules or Being One Step From Homelessness, and if any material problem does appear I can Just Leave.
I don't really like that this asymmetry has me describing chats with my neighbors as if I were seeing animals in a zoo. But maybe this situation is in a better category than moving to the suburbs and never interacting with people who are substantially different from me. Maybe this unease is serving a purpose like "this trivial situation wouldn't be so uncomfortable if your society didn't leave people on the brink of homelessness in the first place."
I don't want to put in the effort actually figure out what I'm saying here, but some other examples of what I'm calling "asymmetric conversations" are:
- Long distance Amtrak trains, where I really love chatting with random folks (especially the Amish/Mennonites) in the observation car, but if we really disagree or some jerk joins in, I can leave through The First Class Door into the sleepers and they can't.
- People yelling out car windows and then driving off. Or having a loud/antisocial car and just driving off. Or doing something illegal and just driving off. It's kinda bananas that if someone pays a private corporation for a piece of deadly heavy machinery that lets them flee at superhuman speed they can just do tons of antisocial things and we consider that normal.
- There's a hotel nearby that my friends/family sometimes stay at when they visit, which is also a timeshare kinda place. Whenever I head there to meet them, I get pitched by an insistent timeshare salesperson while I wait in the lobby. I've learned to be pleasant but forceful with them, but it feels distinctly asymmetric that I'm their target (OTOH, they are allowing me on their private property, so who knows).
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So I'd like to ask The Smoking Ladies of The Chairs what they think is really unfair and right in front of us. But I feel uncomfortable sallying forth from my citadel and demanding personal answers like that from people who can't retreat, while if they tell me off for being weird I can just never encounter them again. I can couch it with "feel free not to answer" or "you can take your time and answer tomorrow" or "my answer would be X", but it still has a feeling of not talking on equal terms.
If I wanted to put words into their mouths I'd say "it sucks that you had fewer opportunities because you were randomly born as black women 60 years ago in the USA". But I don't know. Maybe they think that they've been given a fair shot and that differences are due to their personal choices. I have no idea. Maybe it'll be healthy for society for me to even just ask, to let them answer, even if I forget what they say.
I think I'll just ask next time I see one or two people hanging out in the chairs. I tried between drafts of this post but there were like 10 people out (hooray for using the tiny park!) and I tried to break in by telling a lady sitting on the edge that I liked her dog and asked if I could pet it and she said no, the dog will bite you, so I just thanked her for letting me know and continued on my way.